Splat

I found an unfriendly message under my wiper blade recently. The gist of the typed note expressed a certain frustration regarding my choice of parking spot and the dimensions of my "biodiesel behemoth." I studied the unsigned note, and then I walked around the van to see how it might be causing so much unhappiness. Nothing seemed particularly foul to me. The front wheels were snug against the cement parking wedge and the rear wheels were almost perfectly aligned between the white parking stripes.

The note had also made an off-color remark about the vans length. Now, there is no doubt that the van is tall and long, but it always fits well within the boundaries of the average parking spot. But, just to make sure, I looked at the distance between my rear bumper and the next row's rear bumpers and saw no significant impingement.

I just didn't get it. I just couldn't see what was the big issue. But being the good citizen of the world that I am, I took the note into consideration when I parked the big fella in the same lot later that weekend.

After a week, I went down to check on van and was relieved to discover no new communications from the secretive parking critic. I hopped in and drove out to the shopping district. When I pulled into the tight - "more is better" - parking spot at Wal-Mart I took a stroll around the van to make sure that I wasn't going to expose myself to anymore punitive comments. (Who knew where the critic might turn up.) It was then that I saw it.

About six feet up the side of the van was a dent. When I looked more closely, I noticed two greasy hand prints on either side of the dent. Closer still and I noticed the telltale scratches of a metal on metal and the scuff of a black rubber tire where it had careened off my lower body panel. In a flash, the riddle of the note became clear to me.

I had parked the van at the bottom of a steep ramp which passes between the upper and lower campus along the backside of the arts building. I could see in my mind how the cyclist was absently gliding down the walkway gaining easy speed. There's no doubt that he spotted the van from the top of the ramp but I'm guessing he underestimated the extent of the behemoth hidden beyond the corner of the building. He probably came off that ramp thinking he'd be able to just swoop behind another average-sized white, sheet-metal box on wheels, and zoom out into the quiet parking lot with room to spare.

I imagine it must have been quite a shock when the van body failed to terminate at the expected length. Fortunately - judging by the shape of the dent - the rider had the good sense to wear a helmet. Must have made an embarrassing noise though.